Sessions with Archie
by phoenixquillfeather
Summary: Various Storybrooke characters visit Archie to discuss their problems.
1. Zelena on the couch

ARCHIE: Good morning Zelena. Come on in! Have a seat. That's good. Now, do you understand why you're here?

ZELENA: Because my goody-goody sister insisted that I see you before I can be regarded as a suitable guardian for my own baby.

ARCHIE: Regina wanted me to make a professional assessment of your current mental state. It's for your sake as well as your child's.

ZELENA: Great.

ARCHIE: Don't worry. I won't keep you long and I promise it'll be painless.

ZELENA: That's probably what Henry VIII said to each of his wives before he murdered them.

ARCHIE: I'm not Henry VIII.

ZELENA: That might have been preferable. You're a cockroach aren't you?

ARCHIE: Cricket, actually! Back home, I was a cricket.

ZELENA: Whatever! Look, can we speed this along?

ARCHIE: Do you have somewhere you'd rather be?

ZELENA: Yes! I want to get back to my baby.

ARCHIE: Robin? That's her name isn't it?

ZELENA: Yes.

ARCHIE: After her father?

ZELENA: Yes, alright yes! I'm sorry I tricked him etc etc! That's what you want to hear, right? Regina told you to bring him up didn't she?! But for your information, I suffered through that too! Do you think I actually enjoyed up being cooped up in that hole of an apartment with Downton Shabby? He got excited when he saw the indoor toilet for goodness sake!

ARCHIE: Why did you do it if it gave you no pleasure?

ZELENA: To get back at Regina of course!

ARCHIE: You had strong feelings of jealousy towards your sister, isn't that right?

ZELENA: She got everything and I got nothing!

ARCHIE: You think she has everything?

ZELENA: Well, duh! Madam Mayor has this whole bloody town under her thumb. She has a nice house, a son, our mother's love, Rumplestiltskin as her teacher, a hot blonde girlfriend...

ARCHIE: What was that last one?

ZELENA: Oh, sorry! I forgot that's meant to be subtext and we're supposed to pretend nothing's happening.

ARCHIE: Let's get back to Robin for a minute. The Robin who was Regina's boyfriend.

ZELENA: Oh yes. Regina really has a type doesn't she? Give her a blonde, former thief with a bird name and my sister starts shooting fireballs.

ARCHIE: Robin died recently. How do you feel about that?

ZELENA: Well, it gave me full custody of the baby. And I have my sister to myself without him to constantly remind her of my treachery. So I can't pretend to be totally devastated.

ARCHIE: Do you feel any sorrow?

ZELENA: Maybe a little. But mostly for Regina. And the Outlaw Queen fans. At least I got a good look under Robin's hood but they weren't as lucky.

ARCHIE: So you feel empathy for Regina? I understand you recently lost a lover as well.

ZELENA: Oh god. You really are across all the gossip aren't you? Do you sit on people's walls and eavesdrop?

ARCHIE: Tell me about Hades, Zelena.

ZELENA: Do you have any whisky? I can't do this without a drink.

ARCHIE: I'm afraid not. I'm a therapist not a bartender.

ZELENA: Well, maybe you should be. Bartenders probably hear more about people's problems than you ever will.

ARCHIE: How did you feel about Hades?

ZELENA: We were lovers, weren't we? Shared a True Love's Kiss and everything.

ARCHIE: I hear you got his heart beating.

ZELENA: Well, he certainly had that effect on me, so I'm glad I could return the favour.

ARCHIE: You fell in love during a bike ride in Oz?

ZELENA: Yes. It was night and I wanted to rip out the scarecrow's brain. Hades generously offered to help and we hunted down Dorothy and her straw man on that bike. Best time EVER!

ARCHIE: How romantic. But it sounds like it happened pretty fast.

ZELENA: Faster than a flying monkey. But we were over the rainbow, he was a god...in those circumstances it seemed normal.

ARCHIE: It must have been very hard when he died.

ZELENA: Died? Obliterated you mean! I had to stab him through the heart with that bloody crystal. So much for having True Love.

ARCHIE: How are you holding up?

ZELENA: Well, it hasn't been a barrell of laughs, but I'm alright I guess. I have my baby and my sister and everyone's been nice to me considering how horrible I've been to them.

ARCHIE: Any resentment at having that happiness ripped away from you so suddenly?

ZELENA: Some, I suppose. But I am a villain, aren't I? I'm not entitled to a happy ending. I have to say, at least I'm not trapped in a box under a sleeping curse from which no one will wake me. That's a rum deal if ever there was one!

ARCHIE: Well Zelena, our time's nearly up.

ZELENA: I can go?! Thank heavens the torture's over.

ARCHIE: I want to say how glad I am that we had this chat. Initially, I thought I'd have to put you on anti-psychotics, but you are making great progress. By the end of Season 6, you might actually be fully redeemed.

ZELENA: I hope so. Because I'm willing to pray to my dead lover's rival sibling to never have to set foot in your crummy little office ever again!

ARCHIE: Goodbye Zelena.


	2. Granny on the couch

ARCHIE: Hello Granny. Come in. Have a seat.

GRANNY: Hello Archie. Should I call you Dr Hopper since this is a doctor patient consultation?

ARCHIE: Anything's fine. Now, what did you want to talk about?

GRANNY: It's about my granddaughter.

ARCHIE: Ruby? She's back isn't she? With her new girlfriend.

GRANNY: Yes. I have some concerns about that.

ARCHIE: Don't worry, what you're going through is very common. In fact, when Adam and Eddy told us there was going to be an LGBT relationship, I created a pamphlet for this very situation. Here we are. [Holds up a pamphlet entitled 'Coming out in Fairytales: A Coping Guide for Guardians'.] I'm afraid it's a bit dusty but it's been sitting on my table unused for nearly three years.

GRANNY: Well, thank you Archie, but it's actually not about Dorothy being a woman. Honestly, I'm not surprised. I saw the signs. Ruby's always gotten cozy with her girl friends very quickly. Snow, Belle...they were living with us before she'd known them a full day. Besides, I've seen her get her Flirty McHowl act on with plenty of women in the diner.

ARCHIE: It's excellent that you're so comfortable with it.

GRANNY: I've got bigger things to worry about.

ARCHIE: Oh?

GRANNY: Archie, be honest. Do you think I completely screwed up Ruby?

ARCHIE: What?! No! Why would you even think that?

GRANNY: It's Dorothy. That girl is a feisty, crossbow wielding bitch! And the way she is with that dog of hers - it reminds me of how protective I used to be about Red.

ARCHIE: I'm not sure I understand….

GRANNY: Archie, she's me! Ruby's dating a girl exactly like her grandmother.

ARCHIE: Well, there is a resemblance for sure.

GRANNY: Do you remember how you once told me that people choose partners like their guardians? You said it was to "recreate childhood traumas so that they could change the outcome"? Is that what this is? Is Ruby using Dorothy to try and fix the traumas I put her through?

ARCHIE: Now you mustn't think that way Granny. Raising kids is hard work. We try our best but we inevitably make mistakes along the way. There is every possibility that Ruby chose Dorothy simply because she loves her.

GRANNY: You really believe that?

ARCHIE: Of course. They shared a True Love's Kiss after all.

GRANNY: I know. I watched it.

ARCHIE: You did? How? I wasn't aware we had good reception anywhere in Storybrooke.

GRANNY: Oh, Dr Whale downloaded it for me from a place called 'Pirate's Bay'. That man really has his finger on any girl-on-girl action going on anywhere.

ARCHIE: I see. Or at least, I wish had.

GRANNY: Tell me Archie, what do you really think of Dorothy?

ARCHIE: Honestly, I haven't had the time I'd like to get to know her. But she seems a nice young lady.

GRANNY: Is she good enough for my Ruby?

ARCHIE: Do you have a reason to believe she's not?

GRANNY: It's not that. But before Ruby met her, she was travelling for a while with Mulan. Have you met Mulan?

ARCHIE: I have. A very striking young woman for sure.

GRANNY: Archie, I've worked with food for thirty years. I know when things go well together. Certain ingredients are complementary and bring out hidden flavours in the other. Salt and pepper, lemon and ginger...

ARCHIE: Granny, I'm not sure I understand where you're going with this….

GRANNY: I'm just saying that I know a good match for Ruby when I see one. So I want to know why Ruby didn't choose Mulan instead of some gingham clad stranger.

ARCHIE: Maybe she didn't have the option. You know Mulan belongs to Disney.

GRANNY: Who's Disney? Is she the tart in the red wig who lives with the Camelot people?

ARCHIE: No, no. Disney is a big company that produces entertainment for children. They don't want Mulan to have a girlfriend because the homophobes would boycott their products.

GRANNY: Great! So because of these damn Disney fools, I have to settle for Mulan as my Tai Chi instructor instead of my grand-daughter-in-law?

ARCHIE: 'Fraid so.

GRANNY: Stupidest thing I ever heard! Mulan and Ruby would have made a fine, kick-ass couple! They could have had a spin off! Who wouldn't want to watch that?!

ARCHIE: I would have watched it. But you know what, we should give Dorothy a chance.

GRANNY: I guess.

ARCHIE: She seems nice, and she brings along that cute little dog. What's his name? Toto?

GRANNY: He's a cute little fella but boy, is he an earful!

ARCHIE: Maybe our vet...

GRANNY: No, no! He barks at witches and we've got a whole town full of 'em! Most are redeemed by now, but he doesn't know that. Last night, I crushed up my sleeping pills and mixed them in his pork mince.

ARCHIE: Okaaaaaay.

GRANNY: Be a dear and keep that to yourself, Archie.

ARCHIE: My lips are sealed.

GRANNY: I'd better get back. Those customers won't serve themselves. And Ruby won't serve them because she's busy serving Dorothy! Thanks for the heart to heart Archie.

ARCHIE: Anytime. Give my best to Ruby and Dorothy!


End file.
